Welcome to Black Cloud
Black Cloud Humor
Meaty Bites Diet
Meaty Bites Diet I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W
When standing in line at the check out a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry . The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch... why else would I buy dog food??
PROBABLY HAPPENS ONCE A WEEK HERE IN GEORGIA AND ALABAMA
This brought a tear to my eye!
Hope this touches you the way it touched me!
GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she
kept staring at him.She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom"
as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her
way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
A Washington, DC, airport
ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to m ake you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!" (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the
map." (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car
in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a
big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to Chicago at 8:33
am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I t hink that' s very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT -
Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these plane s have
numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she
meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane.. She said, "Yeah, whatever,
smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him that he needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I
told him this he said, "Loo k, I 've been to China four tim es and every
time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I
said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."The lady
retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply?
"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."
Now you know why the Government is in
the shape that it's in!
Subject:
Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife
who nagged
him unmercifully. From morning till night (and
sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when
he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to
plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife
brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old
mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began
nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind
feet,caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute,
then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to
the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
agreed with the women, but always shook his head and
disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would
come up and say something about how nice my wife
looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the
minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Subject: History Lesson
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in
California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
Basically, it was just like California today, except
the women had real boobs, and the men didn't hold hands.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe
Buddy would like to stretch his legs."Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
WARNING:
Warning About Cooking With Bacon Grease
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood.
I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
COOKING WITH BACON GREASE
I just threw out my last 2 tbls of bacon grease!!
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone
you care about because it could happen to you.....or them.Bacon grease will make your
feet small!! Warn everyone!!
Don't say I didn't warn you!
The Plan!!
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.
You gotta love Robin Williams....
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need now is for our
UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to
argue with his logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, past and present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo,
Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys". We will
never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want
us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking
through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.
We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be
gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are.
They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
here. Asylum would never be available
to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If
they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing
nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil
in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go
somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling
up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will
not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement
or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need
the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a
good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can
call us, "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is
ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a
baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
If you agree with the above forward
it to friends...If not, and I would be amazed, DELETE it!!
Three Important Things to Think About.
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the Stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves right to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase..
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
Semper Fidelis
God Bless America and the United States Marine Corps
You Might be a Redneck If...
A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing...
Everyone at Spring break enjoyed riding on your limo...
You carry your front porch with you....
You need fashion tips from your husband...
You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture...
Your wedding picture looked like this...
And your wedding cake looked like this...
Your mailbox looks like this...
Your doghouse looks like this...
Your pickup looks like this...
You have a deers butt for a door bell...
You don't need a lake to do a little skiing...
Or if your wife is quoted in the local payper saying...
Iranians and Star-Trek
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there's Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is
Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why
there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered
back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
When I Grow up
What will I be when I grow up?
This is just too priceless not to share!
>
If you don't pass this along,
a dog will come out and pee on your computer!
(((((Poof)))))
I guess you didn't send it fast enough!
-
PLEASE DO YOUR PART.
Today is National Mental Health Day
You can do your part by remembering to
send an e-mail to at least one unstable person
..................
Well, my job's done!
-
This is Hysterical!!
LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday I’ll be so glad that this is my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments! So I called my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this is the last check she ever gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on her face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I’m anxious to hear what she say, and about the 'spression on her face. Baby girl walked through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the 'spression on y o face"!!!
SCROLL DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEMPER FI!
THOSE SNEAKY MARINES.........
Look Close......
If a muslim sees a
naked woman --- they are suppose to kill themself!
Ya got to love the Marines!
: IT HAPPENS IN ALABAMA EVERY MONTH DA CLOUD
Subject: Fw: Redneck Divorce Letter...r
Redneck Divorce Lette...r
Dear Cooter,
Me an Sue Ellen have devorced, the judge gave her the dubble wide and the pickup.
So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before
2 oclock, yesterde afternoon! I took a picher fer proof that I delivered it... Wanted to make sure she found it when she got home!!!How's your day a going? See ya later,
Your Buddy,
Bubba
"Git er done!"
Internal Virus Database is out-of-date.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.446 / Virus Database: 268.18.23/740 - Release Date: 3/30/2007 1:15 PM
Ain't it the truth?
Aging Aunt MildredAging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
HillBilly Overalls
They gottem at Walmart at $39.95
Redneck Overalls
Just ask for the 'ARKA
NSAS CUT'
Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
"
You know you're a redneck when " ......1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6 The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood
and does $100,000 worth of improvements.28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation
because you were on jury duty.30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
LETTER FROM A FARM KID
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until
noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him differen t. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
New Rules Written by Men:...
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger!
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a truly
massive idiot.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli."
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't
gift giving, it's a version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a block of
cheese.
A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
They were together in the House.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
and 
each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her
from the storm.
She wanted that...more than anything
.Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't
hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and
expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And
there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand... So consumed were
they in their passion that they heard no opening
of doors...just the faint click of a camera......
Awesome !!!
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less
serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both
took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he
yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing
liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs.
Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit
us".
Subject: Died in the Holy Land - from Medberry
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Subject: Aussie Immagration Policy
Ausssie Immigration Policy
Warning: Might Be
X RatedWHY IT'S DIFFICULT TO SHOP IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES:
1. Would you want to go here?
2. Sounds yummy, eh? "Traditional" it says!
3. This must be baby food.
4. (No comment.)
5. For when size (in everything) is important!
6. No one asked how they age this beer. Don't try to guess.
7. If you're not afraid to try new things.
8. This next one shows the strangest picture on the can. It looks like an ALIEN HERMAPHRODITE (note name).
9. FOR WHEN SIZE IS IMPORTANT (Cute little guys, eh?).
10. There's always a few of these around.
11. To have on hand... in case you run out...?
12. AND FINALLY: We prefer good old-fashioned "CHICKEN" soup that is usually made from HENS... WE HOPE!
Ordering Pizzas
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with
delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following
telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were
taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We
have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to
deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the
service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: No f#@&in' way.
*Click*
Sir Cloud
I 
How's This For
Depressing ?
Brigette Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94
Lena Horne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
Kim Novak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74
UNBELIEVEABLE, HOW IN THE
WORLD
DID THEY GET OLD AND WE DIDN'T ?
Donations:...
A driver is stuck in a
traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise
they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are
going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
Donations in Rome:.......
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting
behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country,
this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when
you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest,turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Rag Heads Get the -
PRIZED VIRGINS
Victoria's Secret
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some
sheer lingerie for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in
price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer
item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model
it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Thursday.
The First Remote control
Subject: New Improved Ammo.
Subject: God works in mysterious ways
God works in mysterious ways
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One
of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member
of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to
the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you
to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still
waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him
off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to
his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and
stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting
America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit
and act like an ass hole."
"So, He sent me."
Subject: Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on
the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee so badly that they stopped in a cemetery. One of them had nothing
to
wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing rather expensive new panties and didn't
want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath and a ribbon on it so she proceeded to wipe with
that.
After the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over so he phoned the
other husband and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties on!!
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card
stuck to her butt that said..........
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
Subject: Guess who I ran into today
guess who I ran into today on my harley JON, it went bummp bump when my tire hit it.... also made the wheel wet....and made it hard to peel the eggs *** broken like that.
Happy Easter!!!!!
DA BLACK CLOUD SEE YA IN RENO VEGAS OR LAUGHTON, NEV
Subject: Heaven's clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter
at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
That shenever told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands Have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Subject: An airplane was about to crash.....
> An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but
> only 4 parachutes
>
> The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
> player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the
> 1st pack and left the plane.
>
> The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S.
> President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am
> the smartest woman in American history, So America's people don't want
> me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
>
> The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy said, "I am a US Senator, the Democratic
> Party needs me and my liver still has some good years left." So he
> grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
>
> The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year
> old schoolgirl. "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and
> as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
> parachute."
>
> The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's
> smartest woman took my school bag."
>
>
I REALLY REALY WISH THIS WAS TRUE AND ALREADY HAPPENED....DA CLOUD--AMERICA WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE
Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa
perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni."Well, we boarda da train at Grana
Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.
She broughta da vino, soma nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward
to da trip.
Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha
basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat
indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch
and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino. Conductore walka by again,
waga his finger and say,
'No drinka in disa ca r ! Musta use a cluba car.'
"So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my
biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina
disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia anda me, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through
da hall shouting ata da top of his a voi ce... 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka
Virginia!'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!
Subject: Great Customer Service at the Denver Airport - from Rich
I've come across this joke a while time back. I'm forwarding it on the off
chance that you have not.
----------------
I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to the
United Airlines gate agent for being smart and funny, while making her
point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight
and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be
happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard
clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without
flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line
for that too.
VIA DA BLACK CLOUD
I could hear Patton saying this, couldn't you.....and he'd be right. He never apologized for the language he used or what he stood for--America # 1.
A Message from the Ghost of General George S Patton....< /FONT>
ATTENTION!
To those whining, panty-waisted, pathetic Maggots, it's time for a little refresher course on exactly why we Americans occasionally have to fight wars.
See if you can tear yourself away from your "reality" TV and Starbucks for a minute, pull your head out of your flabby ass -- and LISTEN UP!!
Abu Ghraib
is not "torture" or an "atrocity".This is the kind of thing frat boys, sorority girls, and academy cadets
do to newcomers.
A little fun at someone else's expense.
Certainly no reason to wring your hands or get your panties in a wad.
THIS IS an atrocity!
So Was This!!!
WHICH PART DON'T YOU GET?
Islam a peaceful religion, NEVER???
Millions of these sons-of-bitches are plotting as we speak to destroy our country and our way of life any way they can. Many of them are here among us now.
They don't want to convert you and don't want to rule you. You are a vile infestation of Allah's paradise. They don't give a shit how "progressive" you are, how peace-loving you are, or how much you
sympathize with their cause.They want you dead
, and think it is God's will for them to do it. And you think Bush and Cheney are your worst enemies, get with it!
Some think if we give them a hug or listen to them, then they'll like us... and if you agree! Then you are a dumb ass!
If they manage to get their hands on a nuke, chemical agents, or even some anthrax -- you will wish to God we had hunted them down and killed THEM while we had the chance.
Stop bitchin' about your damn Health Care, Social Security, Gas prices, and your measly 3.25% unemployment rate...and start worrying about you, your family's, and your friends' asses.
How many more Americans must be beheaded before you stop blaming Bush for all your troubles --
You've fallen asleep
AGAIN, maggots!And you may not get another ch ance!
NOW GET OFF YOUR SORRY ASS-
and pass this on to any and every person you give-a-damn about ..
if you ever gave a damn about anything
DISMISSED
See if you have enough balls to forward this email..
NOW!!! THATS WHAT I TALKING ABOUT!!!! GOOD JOB !
MFJ
Subject:
ma, ma, mia!!!
Whoops
(((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phonedown on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
**Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486 -5731 ??
Easter has been canceled!
Subject: What make up can do.
What Make-Up can do
more ..
Subject: No sex since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME !!!!
Why the US Navy is better than the Iraqi Navy
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BANNED FOR LIFE FROM DISNEYLAND
-----
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BANNED FOR LIFE FROM DISNEYLAND
SHOULD THEY BE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE?
